Josh Hamilton Is Back. Maybe.

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Slamilton! Visions of winning seasons past! It’s all coming together!

Just kidding. I’m not all that optimistic. Nolan Ryan and Ron Washington were the ones who were able to help Hamilton reach his full potential. Jeff Bannister can’t find his dick with a GPS. He doesn’t have a shot in hell of figuring out what to do with Josh. How much do you think the Angels are paying to ship Hamilton to us? Probably our entire payroll. Hamilton is exactly what the Rangers don’t need, another outfielder who can’t fucking hit.

This is a PR move, plain and simple. Designed to put some fans in the seats and drive drama. Because that’s what Hamilton is at this point, drama. An addict that’s relapsing more and more often and people are tired of the redemption story, so they’ll hate and criticize him for the rest of the season instead of focusing their attention on Bannister and Management who clearly don’t know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. I’ve got no sympathy for Josh. That shit went out the window when the Rangers expected gratitude during resigning and he told them to fuck themselves and pay him.

I won’t lie, Hamilton leaving the Rangers is the only time I ever felt that twinge of betrayal. After everything the organization did for him, from chaperones and counseling to the team using ginger ale when we clinched , it was a real shot to the gut when he told them to suck it. I know that that they made a bazillion dollars off him too, but it still hurt. Whatever, I’ve moved on. I won’t let him back into my life again. He’s hurt me for the last time.

The deal isn’t final but everyone who knows anything about this says it’s as good as done.

Dude Gets Flexed On By Girl At Philly Soul Game

(40 second mark)

Real shot to the ego right there. Think you’re being all clever flexing in front of some weak ass girl’s face and BOOM! Off goes her jacket and she’s more shredded than a Julian Salad. Absolutely brutal.

What are the odds at an Arena Football League game, the chick sitting behind you is Thor? That place was nothing but empty seats and you pick the one that comes with an ego crushing devastation. Love how he just sits down and takes it like a champ. That’s the act of a man who knows he’s been beaten. Sitting down and burying your face in your hands is the only correct response to that. Maybe this will teach you not to run around flexing, She-Hulk might be sitting right behind you, ready to put you in your place.

P.S. Did you get her number? Asking for a friend.

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Jeremy Renner “Apologizes” For Calling Black Widow A Slut

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Evans- “Yesterday we were asked about the rumors that Black Widow wanted to be in a relationship with both Hawkeye and Captain America. We answered in a very juvenile and offensive way that rightfully angered some fans. I regret it and sincerely apologize.”

Renner-“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”

You know what? I don’t think Jeremy Renner is actually sorry. I can’t be sure but I think Jeremy Renner just gave a double bird to your outrage.

Evans apologized as appropriately as one can and good for him. But Jeremy Fucking Renner is having none of that. Just absolutely fed up with people’s faux outrage at everything. Jeremy Renner thinks you should nut up and stop being offended by everything, which is an idea I can get behind. Seriously, you think Chris Evans actually means that apology? Fuck no. He was laughing hysterically. They made a joke about Black Widow banging both of them and only having one leg. That’s just guys dicking around. Here’s a newsflash, outraged people, guys joke about shit like this all the time. You’re perfect boyfriend that’s telling you how sexist these comments were and what assholes these guys are, yeah, he’s making jokes that make this shit look like a bastion of clever and thoughtful humor. Renner shouldn’t have to be sorry for having fun on what I’m sure is a mind numbing Marvel press tour.

Jeremy Renner, master of the “I’m sorry you were offended,” apology.

Rajon Rondo Comes Down With Mysterious Back Injury. Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out.

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Not a whole lot to be said. We knew what we were getting with Rondo and it didn’t work out. He’s a prima donna who isn’t as good as he thinks he is. He was brilliant in the playoffs that one time and the Mavs took a chance hoping they could harness that potential. It’s all but certain he’s played his last game for Dallas. So good luck Rajon. Have fun playing for the Lakers where you and Kobe can compete for most insufferable asshole in LA.

Its been real. Its been fun. But I can’t say its been real fun.

Greg Hardy Suspended 10 Games. Will Appeal.

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We knew this was coming. The Cowboys knew and everyone else did. Hardy will appeal and I would venture a guess that it will be reduced to 6. Why 6? Because isn’t that what first time offenders are supposed to get? Isn’t that what Goodell said?

I know it’s about saving face with Goodell and in a way, this is a perfect situation for him. He knows he will get overruled but he can point and say “Look! I think this is way more serious but my hands are tied!” So good for Roger. He’s still the soulless ginger we all know and hate. ┬áThat being said, the guy has a fucking sense of humor. If the 10 games stand, Hardy’s first game back would be against the Panthers, on Thanksgiving. Roger’s eyes must have had dollar signs in them when he figured this out. Nothing would drive ratings like Hardy’s first game being on Thanksgiving. I can already feel the rage and see the narrative. “Woman beating Hardy to play on Thanksgiving, proof the NFL has no soul!”

Goodell, you sand bagging son of a bitch. You keep trolling people like this and you’re going to fuck around and make me like you

Burn The Wagons And Shoot The Dogs. Mavs Lose Game Two

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I wasn’t exactly hopeful for the Mavs playoffs chances and I’m throwing in the towel after last night. Houston is too strong. Absolutely dominated in the paint. We made Dwight Howard look like Shaq. Dirk is old and German. He can’t carry the team like he once did and that was all too evident last night. If Dallas had a shot in this series it was going to be because of someone else stepping up and that hasn’t happened and probably won’t happen. This team was cobbled together and last night the wheels came off.

And what in the name of all that is holy is going on with Rondo? I get that him and Carlisle don’t like each other but this is some juvenile bullshit. He played ten minutes and looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world. I don’t fault Carlisle for pulling him but part of me says you stick his ass in there until he plays or ruins any chance he has at a decent contract next year. Make no mistake, his ass is out of there as soon as Houston finishes this series.

First Look At The Cowboys Schedule

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Back to back division games to open up the season. Can’t exactly say I’m thrilled that one of those isn’t Washington either. They could have been a nice tune-up. Playing those battery tossing inbreds from Philly second week of the season should give us a nice preview of how the division is going to shake out and what in the actual fuck that team is doing. Prepare yourselves for ESPN’s non-stop coverage of what its like for us to play against Demarco Murray. Because I’m absolutely certain Rolando McClain gives a shit about who he hits.

Pats in week 5 and Seahawks in week 8

I don’t especially love the timing but playing both teams at home is good way to see where we stack up in the league. To be the best you have to beat the best. Revenge in week 14 against the Packers. Can’t wait.

Overall, I like it. It’s a tough road with a likely improved Giants squad and playing a lot of heavy hitters early. A strong out of conference schedule might prove useful. Success shouldn’t be easy and playing a rough schedule only prepares us for winning when it matters. Blood them early.

DEA Sex Parties Have Come Full Circle. Head Of DEA Will Resign.

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The best part of this story is that, as far as I can tell, the head of DEA didn’t get to spend any of that sweet tax-payer money on sex parties. As I’ve said, where do I sign up for the DEA? These guys go out and use free money for sex parties and who knows what else and then get a 2-day suspension and their boss takes the fall. Can you describe a better a job? I can’t.

We’ve all had bosses we want fired. You probably have one right now. But the fact that I could have a sex party that my boss didn’t attend and get him/her fired is something I would have never thought possible. It’s a bold new world out there. The outrage machine has finally done something good. They’ve created a world where employees can take advantage of their posistion and get their boss fired while facing minimal repercussions. Outrage machine, you haven’t done a bit of good since your inception but finally, you’ve created a way for shitbag employees to get their bosses fired. I tip my cap to you. Sex parties for everyone except the bosses. Go home and have normal sex. You aren’t invited.

Cop Karate Kicks Guy Off Motor-Cycle.

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http://launch.newsinc.com/share.html?trackingGroup=90105&siteSection=statesman_nws_non_non_ppap&videoId=28916398

(50 seconds for kick)

Well that was unexpected. I mean that really got out of hand. Pretty solid execution and he sticks the landing. This is what we should be teaching cops. This has got to be objectively the best way to arrest a suspect. Maybe if all cops got the double kick training they’d stop shooting everyone.

The craziest part of this is that before the guy stopped, the cop was shooting out of his window. This guy thought he was Jason Bourne. Shooting out of the window at 100 miles an hour and dropping fools with sweet karate.

Accountant Of Aushwtiz Goes On Trial. Wait, They’re Still Trying Nazis?

Trial Of Former Auschwitz Accountant Begins In Lueneburg

(Source)

Look, I’m not a Nazi apologist or anything but the guy is 93 fucking years old. What happens if you find him guilty? Are we executing the elderly now? Because that sounds like something, wait for it, the fucking Nazis would have done. You’ve had nearly 70 years to prosecute these guys and any remaining Nazis are well into their 90’s. It’s over Germany. Not matter how many old ass Nazis you try, you’re country will still forever be associated with Nazis. I’m sorry that’s the way it has to be.

Maybe don’t elect people like Hitler.

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