Some Dick-Bag Stole Adrian Beltre’s AL Championship Ring

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If I were a burglar, I don’t think I would be able to steal sports championship rings etc. There’s something that seems so pure about it. Not to mention, how in the hell could you fence that stuff? It has the player’s name on it, they are one of the most recognizable things in sports and it receives huge amounts of media attention.

Who the hell buys this stuff anyway? I guess just dickhead collectors? What’s the point? Are you going to try and convince your friends and family you were on the 2011 Rangers? They know you weren’t and your going to look like an ashhole. If these thieves had any honor they’d return the ring and beg for forgiveness. I wouldn’t want Adrian Beltre pissed at me. Their only chance would be if they knew his secret weakness like I do.*

*Rub his head

Chandler Leaves Mavs. No Word On DeAndre Jordan Yet

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Losing Chandler hurts. He’s been really good to this city but it was pretty much a done deal. Which meands we are pretty much all in on DeAndre Jordan. DMN says Wesley Matthews has Dallas at the top of his list. All we can do now is wait. Expect there to be a flurry of moves after DeAndre Jordan signs, he’s the last big piece and teams will adjust accordingly

We are still apparently an outside shot for LaMarcus Aldridge but there hasn’t been any news about him and Dallas in a while which means he’s probably headed to San Antonio or Houston. He’s been in the league too long to be part of a rebuilding effort. He wants to win and get paid which means his best options probably don’t include the Mavs

Professional Gamer Executes Perfect Stone Cold Entrance

Is there anything that instills more fear into an opponent than the Stone Cold entrance? Probably not The shattering of that glass has been terrifying people for 20 years now. He doesn’t just use the music, he cracks two beers over his head and then executes a flawless Stone Cold Stunner. I bet that nerdy white dude nearly shat his pants. Who cares if this guy actually won? It’s all about showmanship.

You have to do something to get the fans pumped up to watch you play video games. Otherwise, they might do something else, like play their own video games. Executing a perfect Stone Cold entrance isn’t as cool when it’s just you and a couple buddies in your basement. Plus, it gets the controllers all sticky.

We’re Slumping. But You Can Back Away From The Ledge

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1-6 over the last seven games with out outfielders going a stunning 9 for 74. By all accounts, this is not a good look. But have hope. Hamilton won’t be back tonight but probably sometime this week. He’s a spark that we desperately need. If he’s not in the lineup immediately then it’s time to be concerned. He’s a monster at the plate with guys on base. Matt Harrison says he’s ready to come back. Derek Holland has got to be close. The cavalry is coming.

We need a change of pace. The guys out there now have done an impressive job but we need the guys who have been in this situation before. Who know how to keep a slump from becoming a free fall. Holland’s a dork that keeps the clubhouse atmosphere light. Hamilton is clutch, not to mention he deflects media attention from some of the other guys. They need that so they can relax and play ball.

It’s probably time to send Leonys Martin to Tripe-A to work on his swing. He’s been abysmal. He’s in his own head and doesn’t appear to be getting out of it any time soon. Let him go find his swing in Triple-A and let Hamilton play somewhere in the outfield. We need a change of pace and now is the perfect time to do it.

This Pinata Of Donald Trump Is Pretty Life Like

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(Source) Donald Trump may soon be coming to a quinceañera near you.

Piñatas bearing the likeness of the billionaire mogul have begun popping up in Mexico, a response to controversial comments Trump made about Mexican immigrants.

Dalton Ramirez, the artist responsible for the piñatas, said they are proving particularly popular with customers, as many want to bash Trump……

There is probably a long and distinguished line of people who want to beat the shit out of Donald Trump. He’s never been a particularly likable guy. But now with this Pinata, you can take a bat to his very punchable face.

The hair is probably the most amazing part. It legit looks exactly like his hair most of the time. Just all weird and combed to cover up every bald spot. The ultimate comb over. Also, this is why stereotypes exist. You’ve got a problem with Mexicans? Want to make some disparaging remarks about them as a people? Well you can bet your ass they are going to make a pinata out of you. That’s just the way they roll.

Monday In Dogs: Service Dog Comforts Owner With Severe Aspbergers

Just a heads up. This will make you tear up. If it doesn’t you don’t have a soul.

This is why dogs are the best. I dare you to watch this video and not get a little choked up. You’d never find a stupid cat that would do something like this. Pretentious assholes.

I thought this might be appropriate since it’s Monday and we could all use a hug from a giant friendly Rottweiler. Reason 1,679 dogs are awesome: They know when your having a shitty day and need a hug.

How Many Chickens Do You Have To Kill For Your Mom To Like Your Girlfriends Parents?

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(Source) Limestone County sheriff’s deputies say a domestic incident in Elkmont ended with several dead chickens and a young man in jail.
The charges are against 18-year-old Haden Smith. Deputies say Smith’s mother called them after he sent her threatening texts and killed her chickens. Deputies say Smith texted her Thursday morning saying he would kill a chicken every fifteen minutes unless she contacted his girlfriend’s parents and mended his relationship with his girlfriend.

He gave her a deadline of noon until the chicken massacre started, deputies say. He also threatened to burn her house down, kill any responding deputies and kill himself, according to the sheriff’s office.

Smith killed six chickens before he was arrested. He texted his mother photos of a dead chicken every fifteen minutes, deputies say.

Smith was arrested and charged with third-degree domestic violence and third-degree criminal mischief.

I guess we’ll never know since our guy only got to six before being stopped by the cops. Really bold strategy, holding your mom’s chickens hostage like your Hans Gruber. Murdering a chicken every 15 minutes is certified nuts.

What’s even weirder is this guy looks pretty normal. Most of the time when one of these stories comes out it’s fairly clear that the guy/girl was a cracked out meth head. This bro and his frat swoop look completely sane. Just a guy who wants his mom to love his girlfriends parents and he’ll murder however many chickens it takes to make that happen

Shia Labeouf Freestyle At A River Is Sort Of Sad

I think I’m starting to feel bad for Shia. Hes’s just one long running joke. He’s apparently living in the wilderness and rapping to any campers who happen to pass by. Like some sort of freestyling guy who lives in van down by the river. He used to date models and make millions of dollars doing transformers movies. Now he’s rap battling campers. It’s really sort of depressing.

Or it’s hilarious. Seriously, that’s some of the worst flow ever. He rhymed shit with shit like 30 times in a 1 minute video. Shia’s completely left this planet and I love it. Crazy bastard. Just running around spitting fire tracks at any 15 year olds who will listen. From Even Stevens to deranged homeless freestyler. What a story.

Check Out This Massive Vortex On Lake Texoma. Never Go To The Lake Again

So, hell has come to consume the earth for gay marriage and it’s starting at Lake Texoma. That’s the only plausible explanation. Holy shit this thing is terrifying. It’s capable of taking down a boat! A motherfucking boat! I don’t know about you but I’m never going to the lake again. Not with Satan creating portals to the realms of man. No sir.

What’s the over/under before a couple of drunk rednecks drive out there to get a closer look and get sucked in? Whatever it is, I’d take the under

Lena Dunham’s Boyfriend Must Be Pissed

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(Source)  Lena Dunham vowed she wouldn’t marry until everyone could. Now that the Supreme Court has legalized same-sex marriage, the Girls star, 29, seems ready for a ring.

Dunham Tweeted her boyfriend of three years, Jack Antonoff, writing, “Get on it, yo.”….

Prior to Friday’s historic ruling, the actress told Ellen DeGeneres, “The idea of having a celebration that can’t be fully shared among all the people in my life and all the people that we love just doesn’t really feel like a celebration at all.”…

Shit. What do you do in this situation? Your famous troll says she won’t get married until its legal for gays to do the same. Then you sit back, comfortably thinking there is no way that the conservative court will let that happen. But after today I’m not sure what the correct course of action is. I’m guessing you say you’re in to old Japanese customs and commit seppuku because you’ve disgraced your family. That has got to be better than spending your life with her. Right?

This is why you never agree to bet’s like these. No matter how little of a chance you think there is that whatever situation might come true, you don’t wager your humanity on it. You lose those bets 100 percent of the time in my experience. It’s like getting a tattoo of you favorite sports team winning whatever championship that year. You’ll always regret it.

Pray for the guys who said this to their politically inclined girlfriends. These men need our support more than ever.

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